Emilia and Ethan on Christmas Eve, aren't they so cute together :)
This particular blog has taken me quite a while to pen. Although I always have planned to write on the topic of what it was like when I decided it was time to stop working, I couldn't quite organize my thoughts and memories..honestly some of it is a blur. I kept starting and stopping, starting and stopping...just couldn't seem to get the discussion right. I hated the idea of dragging you all along with a bunch of rhetoric. Strangely, I think the material has finally come to me while I was in the midst of cleaning the bathroom...strange, funny, but strange.
Since Emilia was a repeat c-section and I apparently lack all hormones that enable birth to proceed naturally, we were able to pick her delivery date that last week prior to her due date. Things at work were quite a mess. The previous six-months our entire organization had been in the midst of one of those "wonderful" externally-led reorganization processes..whew, was that a mouth full! By the end of it, the department that I managed had been re-orged to a different organization. This was such a stressful process. I have to admit to losing my nerves at least a couple of times, and I don't think knowing that I was pregnant with a child that was having some difficulties helped throughout that process. This meant that the department that I managed was no longer under a man that I whole-heartily trusted and respected (and had worked for 8 years). I was only planning on coming back as part-time, so this also meant that this new boss was having to replace me with a new manager. This meant there were some very nervous and uncomfortable employees, people that I have wonderful friendships with and who I really care about. The worst part was probably that with all of the re-org madness, there was a lot of work that had been left wayside and I knew that if I wanted to leave the office in even a remotely respectable condition, I needed a few extra days before I delivered. I tried to convince Dave to go with a date later and later.
Cooler minds prevailed (plus the schedule worked out that we could only deliver on the first business day after Thanksgiving). Work was going to have to be a mess..so hopefully I could make a pretty quick recovery and help clean things up. I have already written about Emilia's birth and the additional level of sensitivity it brought to my thoughts surrounding my future. Well, after being home about six-weeks, things took a pretty drastic turn for the worst. Emilia essentially quit eating. She would nurse for maybe a minute or two to subdue her hunger I assume, but then she would scream bloody-murder like I had never heard before and refuse to eat any more. We tried everything. There came a point that I was just numb to it. I know I have a couple of friends that have experienced something similar, and they have affirmed this reaction that I had. Having your child refuse to eat, knowing quite well they cannot stay alive without eating, can pretty much drive you crazy.
As it came time for me to go back to work, at first the only person that could stay with Emilia was Dave. And yes, he has a job so he was taking a day or two here and there to make this all work because he knew how stressed I was about how messy things were at work. Let's add to this web that a new manager had been hired and everyone in the department had a new job in the works. At one point my mom came in a couple of days to try to feed her while I worked for a half-day. I knew things were getting bad because there were two-days in a row that I came home and my mother was teary-eyed. She said it was just too stressful because Emilia would not eat anything all day and there had to be something wrong. The last day we attempted to make a work day work out Dave decided to stay home. By noon-ish he called me and said I'm driving the baby down to the office so you can feed her, she had not eaten all day. I recall thinking he was crazy to think that I was going to be able to feed her, but I went along with it. Of course she wouldn't eat...so we scheduled a pediatrician appointment. The next day we went in and of course she had lost quite a bit of weight. For any of you that have had that happen, I am so sorry. They sic the wolves on you and you can tell the sound in their (the doctor's) voice has a heavy dose of fear. Off to the gastroenterology doctor (GI doctor) we went.
Emilia and I went to see the GI doctor while the boys were at school and Dave was at work. They weigted her in, it was bad. We waited in the room for about 10 mins for the doctor to join us (a resident had already came in and asked us questions). The doctor walked into the room and here is how the discussion progressed: Dr. "How quickly can you get to the emergency room?" Me. "Uhh, what? Um, well I have 2 other kids at school right now and I need to make arrangements, but I guess pretty quickly, how quickly do I need to get there?" Dr. "You have time to go home and pack your stuff. You are going to be there for quite a while." Me. "Um, what is wrong? How long?" Dr. "A couple weeks. I'm going to go call the emergency room right now and make sure they let you right through to a room" (It was winter and he said it would be horrible in the emergency room and she couldn't afford being exposed to it.) I'm sure there was more commentary, but I was mostly in shock and didn't ask much, just did as I was told. We were there (in the hospital) for about two-weeks.
I recall calling my new boss the second day or so we were in the hospital just explaining the circumstances and that I will probably be out a few days. I called again in another two days..and again. I eventually just said I didn't know when I could make it back in. At this time I was also in the middle of a year of Tempe Leadership classes that I really enjoyed. I was sitting on a couple of boards/committees for non-profits. I recall leaving the hospital for the first time during that long stay somewhere around day 10. Just thinking about what that felt like makes my stomach turn. We really are very easily institutionalized beings. I had grown so use to my 5 ft by 5 ft space and feeling like a zombie that those few hours of freedom to go hang with the boys and take them to Mass felt so awkward. I'm pretty sure I cried through most of the Mass. Driving home (I mean back to the hospital) that night I recall thinking to myself that everything is going to have to cease. This is going to take all of what I have to offer. From that point forward, I didn't even correspond with all of these baskets I had been juggling (work, organizations, Tempe Leadership), I just disappeared. Every few weeks someone would check in and make sure all was okay and I feel horrible but I rarely responded...I simply had tunnel vision. I was inspired to go even deeper in my research when I was put in touch with a woman that had two children with a rare neurological disorder that was essentially solved by a simple medication once they discovered the genetic error. She was in research mode for a number of years and said she eventually solved it (and found the right doctor to get to) about 37 pages or so into a particular research paper. I thought to myself about all of the research I had only been reading at a surface level. My "home-work" just kept growing and growing.
The funny thing is that the world just keeps moving forward, as it should. My old department moved back under my old boss. They hired new employees and a new manager. My former co-workers and friends started new jobs. They changed the direction of the department. My Tempe Leadership class completed an amazing group project, a community garden at the Escalante Center in Tempe. Etc, Etc. I eventually went back in for a couple of weeks on a part-time basis to help them train some new employees. Nobody ever mentioned anything about how messy things were. And then I turned in my badge and parking pass (the premier downtown parking pass was really hard to let go of :). Not to be dramatic, but it was a bit surreal walking to that parking garage for the last time...I really did love the people in that building.
In the midst of the madness, one day my boss (the one I worked for nearly all my career at APS) and I grabbed some coffee to discuss how I might be able to help them transition things. He said something pretty profound that day that at the time I am not certain I appreciated. When he asked how things were going and I explained the madness he said the following, "Man, I'm just really glad it is you and Dave. I'm just really glad it is you guys." Uhhh, what...I thought to myself, among other thoughts. I eventually internalized what he meant and I do know it is a really nice complement. He is right. We have been blessed with the skills, the resources, the initiative, and the energy to solve this. These things don't just happen on accident, I don't care what science says. Everything that has happened in my life has prepared me for this new journey.
So, will I work again? Hum, probably. I have to admit to being really interested in the business side of hospitals...well, because they are a mess. I once told a nurse that I would be happy to develop an algorithm for them that could limit the number of nurse changes a patient had to endure during a stay (we once had 22 different nurses when there was only a possibility to have 26 different nurses during that stay)..wowsers, what a mess. I don't know that it would ever be full-time again, that sure was complicated. People always ask if it is harder to be at home with the kids instead of work. I always respond that there is nothing harder than doing both. In retrospect, working with no kids was easy. Staying at home with the kids is not that difficult (painful sometimes, but manageable, and sometimes rewarding), but working with kids full-time was exhausting, often rewarding but it is not for the faint of heart.
We are just 4 days out from the race. We have both completed our playlists for the run...ah, the important things! Thank you all so much for your support these last few months. For those that are not aware, our team actually raised almost $16,000 for TGen. The entire TGen race family raised over $54,000..which is apparently the most for any charity affiliated with the race this year. We are so thankful to have such generous friends and family. You guys are really the amazing ones! We will check in on race day and let you know how it went once we recover :)
Hope you have a wonderful race, Mary. Have loved walking through this journey with you. Blessings, Amy :)
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